365 days

On July 13, 2015 so much shit hit the fan in my life that it felt like my world was falling apart. I hated my job (and still do), I hated my therapist, I found out that some of my friends weren't being my friends at all and the worst blow - I got broken up with by someone I thought I loved in one of the worst ways possible (life tip: a Skype/video call is DEFINITELY NOT how you break up with someone who you've been dating for almost 2 years/known for over 3 years, especially when that someone is 5,000 miles away in a DIFFERENT COUNTRY. It will most definitely give you a new title: ball-less coward).

I was beyond upset and most definitely angry, especially with the breakup. After the initial shock and anger dissipated, I started sinking into one of the worst bouts of depression I've ever had. I wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything. All I wanted was to stay in my apartment, get so high I didn't have to think anymore and sleep. What I really wanted was to stop hurting & I didn't think it would ever stop. I was so mentally & emotionally spent I literally felt like a zombie. Getting through the monotony of a workday was even too much at times for me to handle (I used a lot of sick days during this time.) Life seemed pointless & worthless to me. It felt like I would never recover from feeling that way - I could barely sit at my desk at work, how could I manage to get out of what seemed like an endless pit of depression? It got so bad at times that for the first time in a long time, contemplated suicide. To add to all this, my anxiety grew worse and I experienced my first of many panic/anxiety attacks. This bout continued for the rest of the summer and into the fall. 

I can't tell you how or the moment it happened but somehow & in some way, I got myself out of the pit and started to figure out what I could do to get help, find myself again and move on. 

July 13, 2016. 365 days have passed since that awful night spent weeping over my laptop, staring back at a person who turned out not be the man I thought he was, thinking my life had finally turned into a complete & utter shit show. But that was a year ago. A lot can happen in that time and a lot did. 

Over the last year, I've applied to, got accepted to and will be going back to school in the fall for Veterinary Technology. I'm seeing both a therapist and psychiatrist that I like. I've traveled to new places and met new people. I have some of the best friends a person could ask for and parents who are very loving and supportive. I've cut all contact from the ball-less coward and a few other friends who weren't respectful to me as a friend or as a person. I feel much stronger mentally and at times, emotionally. I still have bad days and sometimes my depression & anxiety get the best of me but I feel so much more confident now and am able to handle them better. At this moment (and I never thought I'd be able to say this), I'm happy & excited to see what the future holds for me.  

I don't think about it as much anymore but I had so many questions and worries about everything after the break up a year ago. I recently saw this blog post and can not thank the author enough for writing it. It hits every nail on the head and felt like she was reading my mind. (I enjoy a lot of her other posts too!) It made me feel better, especially knowing I'm not alone in feeling this way:

http://www.annabash.com/new-blog/closure

To my friends, parents and Fang (who I will read this to since she can't) - I can not thank you enough for your love, your ears, your voices, your hugs, your help and for just being your awesome selves. I can't thank you enough for all you've done for me and helped me to acknowledge my awesome self. I'll leave you all with a lyric that has always meant a lot to me and think of almost daily, even more so in this last year:

"Sometimes it's hard to remember,

I couldn't do this on my own." - FT

Thank you and know I'm always here for any of you. 

My 2015

*I adopted Ms. Fang, former Queen of Meow Parlour and current Queen of Brooklyn & Awesomeness.

*I spent a glorious & life changing month travelling throughout England. My appreciation for the English countryside has grown expontentially.

*I made a lot of new friends & got rid of some not so good friends too.

*I saw LOTS of amazing art, everything & anything from live music to Stonehenge, from magic to English castles and everything in between.

*It took about a year but I quit seeing my therapist and found a new one that I really like and feel more comfortable with. 

*After 3 years of friendship & almost 2 years as a couple, I got broken up with & had my heart broken in the worst way I've ever experienced. I consider it an accomplishment since it made me realize that he's not the person I thought he was & I am better off without him. Plus I now have a damn good, almost unbeatable breakup story to tell. Good Riddance to him! 

*I met my current bf and he is most wonderfully handsome, kind & supportive person I know :) 

*I finally got my shit together and applied to school. If it all works out, I'm hoping to start next fall.
*I didn't die.

*I realized that I should love myself more & give myself more credit when it is due.
*I also realized that I need to stop apologizing, worrying or getting worked up about things I did not cause or that I have/had no control over.

Simply put, my 2015 was all over the place. I had some amazing times, some really shitty ones too but I wouldn't have changed one bit of it. I learned a lot about people and more importantly, I learned a lot about myself.

Like last year, I'm not making any specific goals. I just want to get better in anyway that I possibly can.
Here's hoping that I can continue to take risks, grow, love and be the best daughter, friend, partner & person I can be in 2016.

A quote from one of my favorite people on the planet seems like a good way to start off the New Year:

It's important to try to step into the unknown. - Joan Jett

I hope everyone has had a lovely holiday season. Enjoy NYE & be safe. I wish everyone a happy, healthy & awesome 2016.

2014/2015

'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...'

That Dickens' quote briefly and accurately describes my 2014.
(and yes I know it's already January 15th - whatever)

2014 was quite a year:
I saw friends, family, new states/cities, new places, nature, music.
I experienced art, love, life, loss.
I felt heartbreak, joy, carefree, love, depressed, anxious, frustrated, lost.
I gained memories, knowledge, new ink, new friends, advice, insight, love.
I lost Lucy, patience, time, hope and for a while, myself.

Over the last few years at the beginning of the new year, I've made a list of goals for myself for the upcoming year. I've been successful at completing some of the things on said lists (I did at least 3 of those things on that list!) but this year I think I'm taking a different approach. I'm not going to make a list or even write down what I hope to do or see or improve on. This is not to say I don't have some objectives in mind to tackle and accomplish this year because I do. I just feel that this year, more than any other, is a year of just being - being present, being in the moment, being surrounded by the people and things that I love, being proactive in moving forward, being mindful, peaceful, loving and most of all, being me.

So for 2015, I'm just going to be.

remember...

For whatever reason(s), I haven't written anything that isn't work or job search-related in quite some time.

While enjoy the day off, the idea came to me to write about what today means to me.
I also realized that this piece has helped me get some much needed words/thoughts out and onto paper.

--------------

Sitting side by side on the edge of a dimly lit hotel parking lot.
It was late.
The Seattle mist fell down on us but we didn't care...
at least we were alone.
In this moment, it felt like we were the only people in the world.

You gave me your long-sleeved shirt to wear and we just held each other in the dark.
I wish we had more time before we had to go our separate ways.
I asked you what would happen, where would we go from here.

You told me, as you looked in my eyes, that 'we would work something out - we would find a way'.
I saw wonder in your eyes and heard the hope in your voice - it made me hopeful in us.



Labor Day has never been the best or most memorable holiday...
until I spent it with you.
This is the holiday I think about when I'm sad, upset, frustrated, anxious or feeling shitty.
I think about us in Seattle. I think about you.
You give me hope. You always have.

I can only wish that I give you some hope.
Hope in yourself. Hope in us.

My 2014 list: January Recap

To help keep me on track with this list, I'm going to do a recap at the end of each month to note what I've accomplished from my list and what I still need to work on. Here's my recap for the 1st month of the year:

I got my side/ribcage tattoo done! I am SO happy with the final result. It wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it would be but it was definitely uncomfortable and started to really hurt after awhile. Here's a picture:

I've wanted a tattoo of a lion for a while because the lion has several meanings to me: it's the symbol of my zodiac sign (Leo) and it's the emblematic animal of the House of Gryffindor (HUGE Harry Potter nerd right here). The Lion is seen as a majestic animal - he's the king of the jungle! The lion symbolizes strength, courage & honor. More simply, the lion is one of the biggest cats in the world and we all know how I feel about cats :)

I've made some progress on the guitar - I can play all the main chords except F (fuck that chord, no pun intended) without having  to look them up, I learned how to play a few new songs including 2 new DMB songs and I learned how to tune to drop D. I need to work on my strumming and keep practicing at least 15-20 minutes a day.

I finished reading Insurgent (the 2nd book in the Divergent trilogy by Veronica Roth). In all honesty, I started reading it before the new year but I finished it this month. I'm currently reading the 3rd and final book in the Divergent trilogy, Allegiant and Turn Around Bright Eyes: The Rituals of Love and Karaoke by Rob Sheffield.



I've been doing some research on Burlington, VT (things to do, places to go, where to stay) and hoping maybe I can go back up there sometime in August, maybe for my birthday. That's definitely a work in progress.

Speaking of work, my job has been extremely frustrating lately but I've been trying to not let it get to me. While I'm looking for other job possibilities, it's not looking too promising. Instead of having the 'fuck this place & everyone here' attitude, I try to tell myself  'do your job, do it well and get through each day one at a time' - that's sort of working for the most part. I wonder how hard it would be to switch careers at this stage... I would have to make some sacrifices but if it means I'm happier and not stuck here for the rest of time, it would be definitely be worth it.


So I can cross off one thing on the list and I've made progress on several other things listed.
I'd say it's been a good start to the new year :)

A list that has nothing to do with buzzfeed. Also, this thing still exists!

I like lists. Lists make sense to me. Especially 'to do' lists - it puts items in a nice, linear order, then its given bullets or numbers with the expectation that you will eventually cross that item off after completion. That's why people have bucket lists don't they?
Anyway, not only do lists look aesthetically pleasing to me but writing something out helps me remember it better. I've always been a visual learner.

As people started to talk about making resolutions and goals for the new year, I started to think of things I wanted to do in 2014. So, I made a list. Some of these might be easier to do than others but that doesn't mean I won't try it or do more of it. So here it is:

-start working on my t-shirt blanket
-spend more time in Prospect Park
-visit a new state
-watch less TV
-get my side/ribcage tattoo done (or at least started)
-become more confident playing guitar
-spend a weekend in Burlington, VT, preferably in the summer or fall
-sign up for another session (or 2) of roller derby
-do yoga at least once a week 
-learn how to make my own pizza
-be aggressive at searching for a new job
-visit a vineyard
-read at least 1 book a month
-see the Grand Canyon in person
-write/type more of my thoughts down...
-go back to the UK, especially to see Ireland and Scotland (highly unlikely in 2014 but maybe in 2015)

So let's get to it - here's to a happy and healthy year of crossing things off of your list.

these things.

knowing spring is here (even though the weather won't let us believe it) and that summer is close behind and thinking of all the amazing things I have planned to fill them.

baseball will be back 1 week from today.

making a friend laugh when they really needed it.

falling asleep/waking up next to someone.

having people take a chance on you.

reading 'they don't think it's cancer' in a text message from someone you love.

watching a Dad on the subway not so secretly 'steal' Teddy Grahams from his child's snack bag and eat them.

seeing one of your favorite movies of all time in a theater.

getting woken up by your pet just so they can cuddle with you.

seeing/reading this (via PostSecret) and having it stir up some faith in yourself: