you want resolutions? i'll give you resolutions.

I originally didn't want to make any sort of formal goals this year. I was just going to let the year take its own course without my yearly restrictions or demands. But then I actually thought to myself "wait, some of these things I actually want to do, not just force myself to do because it's the New Year and I want to fix or work on something."

So in no particular order, here are the things that I will attempt to do & work on this year:

1) challenge/push myself more creatively (mainly in writing & performing)
2) see more - as in see more of my friends, see more live music, more off-off broadway shows, more Art in general, more of Brooklyn.
3) save more money. not for something specific but just to put aside.
4) 'experiment' more with cooking. friends of mine will know exactly what I mean by experiment.
5) NO MORE CIGARETTES! - I'll need all the support I can get with this one, people.

ok, the next 2 are a bit more extreme, 'high unlikely to happen' goals but I want to throw them out there:

6) get a job with 'Late Night with Jimmy Fallon'.

I'll give you all a moment to stop laughing before I continue.

7) find an occasion where I can re-meet Tina Fey and tell her the following things:
*Since she won't have the slightest idea who I am, I would first explain that I was an intern on SNL during the 2001-2002 season when she was the head writer. Hence the re-meeting.
* even though we probably always messed up all of her lunch & dinner orders & would run around the city aimlessly for any sort of prop &/or graphics for update the writers could imagine, I would thank her for always being so nice to all of the interns in the writing & research department.
*please don't ever stop making 30 rock. EVER.
*please don't ever stop being you. you are amazing.

I had a few more but let's not go crazy.

Alright. I'll see you all back here next year, if I make it through this one alive.

a blog can be a kind of therapist, right?

Lately I've been mulling over calling it quits with my therapist. She's a nice lady, but after about a year of sessions, I just don't think we are working out. I don't feel terribly comfortable with her which is the first & most important reason. Second, I have to repeat myself ALL THE TIME because she doesn't hear me or get what I'm saying. Last, but not least, I just don't think she can help me.

I've brought up several times that I don't think this is working out and her response every time is "what do you want out of this?" and I tell her: "I want clarity, some sort of understanding, possibly some peace of mind, and I want to feel comfortable with certain things". And she just says responds "Ok" and that's it. No advice. No resolution. Nothing. Now I'm not that naive to think that therapy can fix everything (I learned that about 3 therapists in) and I know half the work lies with me (6 therapists later), but when I vocally express things that I want or would like to try to have several times and every time I get no response, my brain starts to tell me the following:
a)She doesn't understand what you're saying,
b)She doesn't want to say anything,
or
c)I'm going to take your lack of response as I am unrepairable since there seems to be no professional advice or opinion out there that can help me.

I attempted just this last session to tell her bluntly "I don't want to keep doing this anymore - this isn't working" and she just responded "well, why don't we talk about it over the next few sessions?" WHAT IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT? YOU DON"T TELL ME ANYTHING THAT'S HELPFUL. I'VE TOLD YOU THIS ISN'T WORKING FOR ME. ugh.

So now on top of the stress & anxiety I have for everything else, I now have stress & anxiety over the one thing that's supposed to help me alleviate that.

I just want someone to talk to, someone who will listen but also help me shed some light on myself and why I do or don't do things.

Maybe no one can do that.

I guess I can always just write about it.