Wednesday, July 13, 2016

365 days

On July 13, 2015 so much shit hit the fan in my life that it felt like my world was falling apart. I hated my job (and still do), I hated my therapist, I found out that some of my friends weren't being my friends at all and the worst blow - I got broken up with by someone I thought I loved in one of the worst ways possible (life tip: a Skype/video call is DEFINITELY NOT how you break up with someone who you've been dating for almost 2 years/known for over 3 years, especially when that someone is 5,000 miles away in a DIFFERENT COUNTRY. It will most definitely give you a new title: ball-less coward).

I was beyond upset and most definitely angry, especially with the breakup. After the initial shock and anger dissipated, I started sinking into one of the worst bouts of depression I've ever had. I wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything. All I wanted was to stay in my apartment, get so high I didn't have to think anymore and sleep. What I really wanted was to stop hurting & I didn't think it would ever stop. I was so mentally & emotionally spent I literally felt like a zombie. Getting through the monotony of a workday was even too much at times for me to handle (I used a lot of sick days during this time.) Life seemed pointless & worthless to me. It felt like I would never recover from feeling that way - I could barely sit at my desk at work, how could I manage to get out of what seemed like an endless pit of depression? It got so bad at times that for the first time in a long time, contemplated suicide. To add to all this, my anxiety grew worse and I experienced my first of many panic/anxiety attacks. This bout continued for the rest of the summer and into the fall. 

I can't tell you how or the moment it happened but somehow & in some way, I got myself out of the pit and started to figure out what I could do to get help, find myself again and move on. 

July 13, 2016. 365 days have passed since that awful night spent weeping over my laptop, staring back at a person who turned out not be the man I thought he was, thinking my life had finally turned into a complete & utter shit show. But that was a year ago. A lot can happen in that time and a lot did. 
Over the last year, I've applied to, got accepted to and will be going back to school in the fall for Veterinary Technology. I'm seeing both a therapist and psychiatrist that I like. I've traveled to new places and met new people. I have some of the best friends a person could ask for and parents who are very loving and supportive. I've cut all contact from the ball-less coward and a few other friends who weren't respectful to me as a friend or as a person. I feel much stronger mentally and at times, emotionally. I still have bad days and sometimes my depression & anxiety get the best of me but I feel so much more confident now and am able to handle them better. At this moment (and I never thought I'd be able to say this), I'm happy & excited to see what the future holds for me.  

I don't think about it as much anymore but I had so many questions and worries about everything after the break up a year ago. I recently saw this blog post and can not thank the author enough for writing it. It hits every nail on the head and felt like she was reading my mind. (I enjoy a lot of her other posts too!) It made me feel better, especially knowing I'm not alone in feeling this way:

To my friends, parents and Fang (who I will read this to since she can't) - I can not thank you enough for your love, your ears, your voices, your hugs, your help and for just being your awesome selves. I can't thank you enough for all you've done for me and helped me to acknowledge my awesome self. I'll leave you all with a lyric that has always meant a lot to me and think of almost daily, even more so in this last year:

"Sometimes it's hard to remember,
I couldn't do this on my own." - FT

Thank you and know I'm always here for any of you.