Friday, April 30, 2010

here goes nothing.

I've been fighting this inner battle with myself for the last few months. I know I can be too hard on myself most of the time, but I also can't help but think that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to making decisions or being proactive in doing things for me. I've had a lot on my mind & had a lot of issues thrown at me to deal with or work out. I've found some solice in kind words & advice from friends & my therapist told me something recently that actually stuck with me, "working out a problem or an issue can be awful & cause more pain than not at first, but the breaking through, finding the answer or a resolution with your problem, is worth it in the end." I feel like I need to start doing that more often.

The following isn't really an answer or resolution but more of a way to vent some things that have been weighing on me for some time.


You know what I hate?

That feeling you get in the pit of your stomach.
The one that makes you smile for no reason at all.
The one that makes you makes you sick to your stomach because you never felt anything else so real.
The one that makes you think you can do anything and everything you ever wanted.
The feeling of finally feeling alive for the first time in your life.

I wish I never had that feeling for you.

The one that eats away at your soul, at ever fiber of your body.
The one you can't escape when you most want to.
The one that makes you want to cry, kick, scream... just cease to exist.

I hate that feeling,
because I can't hate you.


"things that i should have said and still don't think i can say"

words escaped me when i was with you.
a combination of emotions just made me speechless that whenever i thought i might be able to say something, all logical thoughts would be instantly erased.
you literally took my breath & heart away.
i'm still working on getting the latter back.
very few things make me cry. unfortunately, you figured one of them out.

you meant more to me than you'll ever know.
i thought, at certain moments, that maybe i meant something to you.
i care about you & hope you are happy but i'm somewhat angry at you.
maybe i'm more angry at myself for falling for you.
you still cross my mind more often than i'd like & it still hurts,
but with time,
the wounds on my mind & soul are healing.

i wish i could've said most of this in person but i guess if i had, maybe things would have been different. or maybe not. or maybe things worked out just the way they were supposed to.

i'm sorry.


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

a blog can be a kind of therapist, right?

Lately I've been mulling over calling it quits with my therapist. She's a nice lady, but after about a year of sessions, I just don't think we are working out. I don't feel terribly comfortable with her which is the first & most important reason. Second, I have to repeat myself ALL THE TIME because she doesn't hear me or get what I'm saying. Last, but not least, I just don't think she can help me.

I've brought up several times that I don't think this is working out and her response every time is "what do you want out of this?" and I tell her: "I want clarity, some sort of understanding, possibly some peace of mind, and I want to feel comfortable with certain things". And she just says responds "Ok" and that's it. No advice. No resolution. Nothing. Now I'm not that naive to think that therapy can fix everything (I learned that about 3 therapists in) and I know half the work lies with me (6 therapists later), but when I vocally express things that I want or would like to try to have several times and every time I get no response, my brain starts to tell me the following:
a)She doesn't understand what you're saying,
b)She doesn't want to say anything,
c)I'm going to take your lack of response as I am unrepairable since there seems to be no professional advice or opinion out there that can help me.

I attempted just this last session to tell her bluntly "I don't want to keep doing this anymore - this isn't working" and she just responded "well, why don't we talk about it over the next few sessions?" WHAT IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT? YOU DON"T TELL ME ANYTHING THAT'S HELPFUL. I'VE TOLD YOU THIS ISN'T WORKING FOR ME. ugh.

So now on top of the stress & anxiety I have for everything else, I now have stress & anxiety over the one thing that's supposed to help me alleviate that.

I just want someone to talk to, someone who will listen but also help me shed some light on myself and why I do or don't do things.

Maybe no one can do that.

I guess I can always just write about it.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

80's anyone?

My recent blog entry about my Deserted Island Soundtrack got a lot of positive feedback & made for some interesting conversation starters. I was asked what would be my top 10 songs from the 80s. Now there is a distinct difference between 80s rock & 80s pop and because I could easily pick a ton of songs from each, I will be giving them each a separate list & entry. I'll start with the cheesy & the corny - the Pop list. I also couldn't just pick 10. So deal.

These are my favorite 80's Pop Songs. They have a special place in my heart & like Pavlov's dog, if any of these started playing any time at any place, I would definitely start belting out all the lyrics of all of them:

"Alone" - Heart
I LOVE THIS SONG. This could possibly make a run for my #1 favorite 80s song.

"How Soon is Now?" - The Smiths
What can you say about Morrissey? An amazing band & an amazing song.

"Just like Heaven" - The Cure
This is such a feel good song. LOVE LOVE LOVE Robert Smith. This band is one of the defining groups of the decade.

"Need You Tonight" - INXS
I don't think there is an INXS song I don't like, but this one is so fun to sing to. RIP Michael Hutchins.

"Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go) - Wham!
This song reminds me of growing up. I had this on a 45 and would play it on my fisher price record player and dance around the living room.

"Everything She Wants" - Wham!
This is my favorite Wham! song. It's fun to sing for karaoke with a ton of other people.

"Modern Love" - David Bowie
Bowie not only conquers another decade with awesome music, but tempts Jennifer Connelly as the Goblin King in Labyrinth (can he do no wrong?) Another one of those songs that just makes me feel good.

'Policy of Truth' - Depeche Mode
I didn't really truly discover Depeche Mode until I was in my teens but man everything about them, the lyrics, the beats, David Gahan's voice all made me fall in love instantly. New wave had made its way into my teenage years and it's never left. This is my favorite DM song, I'm not entirely sure why but it definitely just hit me. It's so simple yet complicated all at the same time. It's amazing.

"West End Girls" - Pet Shop Boys feat. Dusty Springfield
I love the sound of Dusty Springfield's voice in the song, love the beat, and just the feeling of 'mysteriousness' that this song give off .

"Walk like an Egyptian" - The Bangles
Do you remember pocket rockers? Well I had that EXACT player. You see that little cassette in the corner? It was one side "Walk like an Egyptian", one side "Manic Monday". I played the CRAP out of that cassette. Also, whenever I think of this song I immediately think of the video of just all random people they filmed dancing & "Walking like an Egyptian".

"Break it Down Again" - Tears for Fears
I know this wasn't released in the 80s (it was the early 90s) but it is very 80s-esque and is my favorite Tears for Fears song.

"King of Pain" - The Police
This is my favorite Police song. that is all.

"Every Breathe you Take" - The Police
Before I found out this song was about a stalker fan of Sting/The Police, I wanted this to be my wedding song.... and it is still up there in the ranking to be.

"And She Was" - Talking Heads
I think I listen to this song at least once a day. This (and Psycho Killer) are 2 my favorite Talking Heads songs.

"Bad" - Michael Jackson
The leather jacket. The video. The dancing. I remember this being one of the first videos I ever saw & just wanted to watch it over & over. How could you not love everything & anything Michael Jackson did back in the 80s?

"Billie Jean" - MJ
a classic. enough said.

and these are some honorable mentions that I wanted to include but don't really have anything to add about:

"Keep Me Hangin' On" - Kim Wilde
"Maneater" - Hall & Oates
"The Promise" - When in Rome
"What Do All the People Know?" - The Monroes
"Invisible Touch" - Genesis
"Tenderness" - General Public

next up.... my Top 80s Rock songs.

Monday, April 5, 2010

This girl is no April fool.

The new year started out on a positive note and felt like things were going well. Unfortunately, I found myself right back where I didn't want to be by the time February rolled around. It felt like I got thrown back to the beginning and was told "sorry. you lose. try again." February was a hard month for me for several reasons, and I was probably my own worst enemy. I had my heartbroken, I wasn't writing, I stopped going out as much & being social. I wasn't feeling terribly confident about anything, especially myself.

I usually do not care for Spring. I enjoy the fact that when Spring arrives it means Winter isn't coming back for at least 6-7 months. Aside from that, Spring is hell for allergy sufferers like myself and unlike Shirley Manson, I'm not happy when it rains - I've never been a fan of all the rain that comes with Spring (and the Northeast certainly got our more than our share this year). I've always been a summer girl and honestly, I've always just wanted summer to get here.

This year Spring may just have been the thing I needed.

Maybe it's because I made a lot of plans and kept myself busy in March. Maybe it's because it's been filled with great friends, good fun & late nights - I truly have some of the most amazing friends who knock sense into me when I need it & really listen when I need that even more - I don't know what I would do without each & every one of you. Maybe it's because I put my performing shoes back on for the 1st time in years and I didn't do nearly as bad as I thought I would. Maybe it's because my half sleeve is finally finished and I am so fucking happy with the way it came out:

Maybe I'm excited for my upcoming move back to Brooklyn, which is very needed & long overdue. Maybe it's because I started doing Yoga again. Maybe it's because things just seen to be falling slowly into place for me instead of the typical crashing into pieces. Maybe it's because I'm finally doing things I care about, enjoy and want to add into my life. Maybe it's because I started realizing that I need to start doing things for me and take time out for me.

Maybe I'm beginning to see that Spring isn't so bad - it's not always rainy.

It can't rain all the time.