Thursday, January 28, 2010

Missing you

The storm has broken now.
The sun is setting,
leaving behind a crystal blue sky.
It sinks behind a cloud,
it's edges like a piece of paper ripped from a book.
The sun sinks deeper as it goes to bed,
it leaves it's glow behind,
a light to remember it by until tomorrow.
The calm & stillness makes breaths more visible,
beating hearts feel stronger.
A song plays in my ears,
reminding me of past times, good times
and it makes me smile,
although the tears in my eyes and the pain in my heart doesn't agree.
I'm left with my thoughts,
in my own head,
remembering you.


Monday, January 25, 2010

i'd count anything if it could get me some sleep

I feel like a zombie. And if you've seen me in the last 5 days or so, I am probably beginning to resemble one of these guys (ok, maybe not THAT bad but you get the idea). I think if the bags under my eyes get any bigger, I could quite possibly carry my groceries home in them, with some room to spare.
Why are you so drained & 'out of it' you ask? Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't ask? Well, I'll tell you anyway. Recently I haven't been sleeping well. I usually have no problems falling asleep within about 20 minutes of getting under the covers but lately, I can't fall asleep for hours. I get in bed expecting to go to sleep & then just can't - I just toss & turn trying to find the exact spot that will let me get into my REM phase. I've tried reading, writing, turning the TV on, turning it off, but nothing seems to be working. Normally I can function on limited hours of sleep after a night out and have no problem getting up for work or getting to whatever it is I have to do, but when it happens several days in a row, I can feel the zombie state of mind start to set in.
The worst part about all of this is I think I know exactly why I can't sleep and I don't know how (or if it's even possible) to fix it - I think too much. It's sounds like such a simple problem but it is far from simple. My mind is constantly on the go, thinking about anything & everything. I also have the smallest tendency to over analyze things (and if you know me, you know that was the most insane understatement), which I like to partially blame on my minor case of OCD, but I really can't make excuses. It's a part of who I am. It is really just your classic combination of issues: family, work, myself, life. I normally can deal with those things one at time but it seems like right now, every one of those are fighting each other to get to the top for the title of "Nicole's biggest problem".
I honestly think that if I could turn off my thoughts, this would immediately fix my sleeping issue. If it were that easy - it would solve A LOT of my problems.
But until someone invents something like that, (introducing the Mindswitch - turn thoughts on/off at your leisure!) my friends, my therapist & the Blogging world will just have to suffer... I mean listen, to me just ramble on :)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Another day, Another play

So I had planned on writing a real blog entry this evening.... yeah, well that didn't happen but I did find a play I wrote last year. I not only really like the final outcome, but had fun writing it.
It sort of sums up the status of (and present lack there of) my relationships and how random some can be & how strangely we can be thrown into them.

Plus it's a blog entry. A sort of cop out blog entry, but deal with it.
I'm a busy lady people.


“Conducting an Experiment, Neo Futurist-style or Are you my soul mate?”

2 Neos, in Lab coats with googles sitting on their heads, enter.
1 of the Neos brings an audience member on stage to sit in a chair DSR and Neos stand on either side of audience member.

N1: As you might have already noticed, we, the NY neo-futurists, like to experiment.
N2: And not just at home with our 4th grade failed science projects…
N1: But we like to experiment on stage with our plays, with you….
N2: We also like to solve problems.
N1: And right now, we would like to experiment on helping to solve a problem of a friend.
(Nicole walks on stage, sits USL and puts on headphones w/ipod)
N1: That is Nicole. She is 29, single & according to her grandmother “letting her prime years go to waste.”
N2: She, like many others in this fine city, is looking for her soul mate, that special someone…
N1: She has compiled this list of questions to ask you, “name tag”. She has answered them already and we will compare your answers to hers, compute the results and see if you are compatible. (holds up clipboard with questions on it)
N2: you could possibly be destined to be together, like soul mates!
N1: Are you ready, “name tag”?
(Audience Member hopefully answers Yes. N2 goes to spiny door with chart on it to check off “name tag’s” answers. *Nicole’s answers are posted already on the other side.)
N1: Great. Let's begin.

State your full name, age & city of residence.
Please answer the following questions with a YES or NO answer:

Are you single?
Do you want to be single?
Do you have a job?
Do you enjoy what you do?
Have you ever had a deadly disease?
Do you think you have a deadly disease at this moment?
Do you know anyone who has been exposed to or has the H1N1 virus (the swine flu)?
Can you recite the alphabet backwards easily?
Do you cook?
Can you cook?
Do you like cookies?
Do you like animal crackers?
Do you think animal crackers are actually crackers?
Do you like animals?
Do you have any?
(Name them.)
Do you think people should dress their pets up?
If I played 10 seconds of a popular song from the 80s, do you think you could name the title, artist & year it was released?
Do you balance your checkbook regularly?
If you had to leave town immediately, never to return, and could only bring with you what you had on your person, could you do it?
Currently, what is your favorite TV show?
Do you feel like you watch too much TV?
Do you agree with this statement: All past & present reality tv show stars should all be gathered together, brought to the LOST island & left there until j.j. Abrams finds an entertaining way to rid the world of them that will be televised like the MJ memorial.
Can you name the starting lineup (including positions) from the NY Yankees’ game last night?
Have you ever been in love?
Do you love someone at this current moment?
Do they love you back?
Are you happy with your life at this current moment?
Are you sick of answering these questions?
Do you want to punch the person asking you these questions in the face?
Do you wish that you were the one asking the questions?
Do you have a question?
*if they do ask a question, no one answers, but Neo quickly says:

N1: This concludes the Q&A. We will be right back with the results.

N1 goes to the spiny door chart with N2 & compare answers and decide, based on the percentage of same answers from each, whether they are soul mates.

Nicole, not paying attention during the whole play, sees ‘nametag’ across the stage, takes off headphones/ipod, goes up to ‘nametag’ and sits in his lap, and asks ‘are you my soul mate?’



Thursday, January 14, 2010

blasts from the past

In the last month, I've noticed myself re-discovering things from the past. And also becoming aware of things I never noticed before, yet were in front of me all along.

It started when I was cleaning off my desk and found some old photos my Aunt had given me last year, mainly of me & my cousins & a few with my grandmother who had died recently. I went to put them away with the other photographs I have, I discovered something - with the exception of those few photos I had just been given & maybe a half dozen more, all the pictures I had were of me & only me. Now, being an only child kind of makes that statement seem logical, but it's also sort of unsettling to me that pictures through the years that I have are just me doing various activities or at different ages. There's the occasional friend or parent, but mostly I'm alone. I'm not sure what that means, but I will bet some money that it means something. I think it does, NO, I know it does.

Last weekend I hung out with friends from High School that I don't get to see terribly often due to work & whatever else occupies our lives. 3 of them I had lunch with & another I met for coffee later in the afternoon. I've known all 4 of them for about half of my life (wow, that's crazy to say) but it dawned on me that as much as we grow up, start our own lives, change names, locations, jobs, hair color or socks, none of us really have changed at all. We can not see each other for a month, or a year or several, and even though we do the 'catch up on life' thing, nothing else feels different. I can honestly say that those girls I met in Homeroom freshman year or 3rd period Spanish or Global Studies are still my friends now because of that. Yeah, we've lost touch at various times over the years & we don't see each other everyday like we did back in HS but that doesn't seem to matter. I'm truly thankful for them being in my life and I'm so glad they still are.

I've been watching My So-Called Life on DVD lately. If you haven't heard of it or seen an episode (there's only 1 season), it was a hour long show that showed how life was being a teenager in today's society (in the early to mid 90s), which at the time was when I was exactly a teenager. I loved Angela (Claire Danes). Hell, I loved Claire Danes for that matter. And of course Jordan Catalano (Jared Leto). GOD I loved that show. It was ahead of it's time, or maybe was starting just at the right time...
In every episode, I see all the clothes & hear the music and remember... because it brings me back to high school & growing up. I think I appreciate watching it even more now because I look at my life and see how much high school, even with it's god awful experiences, wasn't really as bad as teenagers make it out to be (I blame the hormones for all the dramatics). Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to go back in time & do it all over again, but I see how important those years were to shaping your soul & yourself as a person. I still have a bit of Angela in me, for good & bad, but I don't think I would change that. Then I wouldn't be who I was today.

All of this remembrance & nostalgia, none of this was intentional, it's mainly just happened by coincidence that it's all been happening together but it's strange - strange to look back and see pieces of yourself have, or maybe haven't, changed.

I tend to get stuck on things.
The past is a big one... but at least not all of it is bad.

Monday, January 11, 2010

this is only a test...

I just installed the blogger gadget onto my igoogle page & I'm just checking to see if this works.

don't worry my pretties - you can expect a more substantial blog in the near future...

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

a new year, a new-er me?

we make 'em.
we break 'em
we bend 'em & try to make amends with ourselves to keep 'em.

I've made my fair share of new year's resolutions but like everyone else, I start off with great ambitions & hopes but then see myself giving up or slacking off - and it's not even the end of the 1st month of the year!

Around the first week of December, I decided I would make 3 'goals', not resolutions (resolutions to me always felt like 'I'm need to change whatever it is I'm doing because was wrong or bad' which most of the time it was, but it isn't always the case), but personal goals for the upcoming year to try to challenge myself & also keep myself in check. They were:

1. Stop smoking
2. Write more (not just specifically here, but in general)
3. Expose myself to different forms of writing

It is now January 6th, 2010. I can tell you at this very moment, I have been successful with one goal, have failed at another (not even 24 hours into the new year), and the last I am attempted to redeem myself ( while writing at this moment) from now and into the rest of the year.

Smoking - This would be the goal I broke immediately (I had cigarettes left & they're expensive!) I truly want to quit, I do, and I have honestly tried a few times in the last 3 years. I've tried the patch & justcold turkey, but not much success. The only success I had with quitting (i quit for about 3 1/2 months) was when I took Chantix. It worked but I didn't take it for the entire time it was prescribed (3 months) because it was $150 for a month's prescription (none of it covered by insurance by the way) so I only took it for a month. What I have been doing is cutting down A LOT. I now only smoke between 2-4 cigarettes a day. To say I would quit is a great goal, but at this moment is not entirely realistic for me but I'm consciously making an effort to not smoke as much. That has to count for something.

Write more - As I type, I am accomplishing this goal! Ok, Ok... that's a cop out. But I started this blog back in September not really sure what I wanted to do with it. I do want to use it to vent, give myself an outlet to clear my mind and post my writing. I'm going to aim to blog at least 3 times a week - I think that I can handle that.

Get More Writing Experience - This is the one goal I have been successful with so far. Technically, I started working on it December, but that was more researching & inquirying. I'm taking a Playwriting workshop next week & will be taking an 8-week storytelling class @ the PIT starting in about 2 weeks, that will have a class performance at the end(uhoh)! I have some other classes & workshops that I have interest in & want to take throughout the year, especially the Level III Neo workshop (if they offer it this year). This goal is the most exciting but also the most nerve-racking at the same time. I'm excited to learn dive into different styles of writing, especially playwriting, and learn more about my writing. And this goal will help feed my desire to do the previous goal!

So here is my revised goal list for 2010:

1. Cut down on smoking
2. Blog more (but also write more in general)
3. Get more writing experience
4. Read 25 books I've never read
5. Drink more water

I decided to add 2 smaller goals to my list because I know I can do them fairly easily & both will be mentally & physically good for me.

Wish me luck!