The Holiday season is upon us. As I write this, Christmas is less than 48 hours away. I used to love Christmas growing up. It was my 2nd favorite time of year (summertime remains at the top of the list). Knowing that I was named after St. Nick, how could I not grow to love this holiday? I loved the days that led up to Christmas - filled with decorating, wrapping & preparing, watching my favorite holiday movies/specials, and all the Christmas songs that filled the air. Christmas Eve was always the best - spending it surrounded by family, food, love & laughter, wanting to go to bed but not tired at all from the anticipation of seeing what would be under the tree the next morning.
Unfortunately, that child-like wonder & awe slowly leaks out of us, leaving us with less Christmas spirit year after year. Children get older & wiser, people start new families, new traditions or just plain loose touch. You can blame commercialism, the economy, your neighbors, the hole in your sock, or even the Heatmiser himself, but honestly, no one is to blame but ourselves, myself included.
In this season of giving, the season of hope, love & joy, I feel like the Grinch. I feel I have a love-hate relationship with the holiday season now - I want to embrace it, enjoy it and take in every single moment of it, but then there are times when I want to be anti-holiday and honestly would rather Christmas just not come. I think the main reason I feel this way is that I have no one to share it with.
Coming from a small immediate family myself, I find the holiday season to be a rough one, especially over the past few years. My mom recently moved back to Illinois to live with my elderly & not well Grandmother. That leaves the only family member I have left in the area to be a stubborn, old-fashioned thinking man of few words who is not exactly the life of the party or someone I can easily have a conversation with - my dear old father.
This past Thanksgiving was the 1st major holiday that I spent alone. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but it still felt weird and lonely. I'm having dinner with my Dad Christmas Eve & I'm working out some plans still, but I most likely will not be spending Christmas day alone. I just don't think I could be by myself on Christmas. Just reading that sentence depresses me.
I think the one thing I'm going to miss the most is my Mom. She's usually been the one to keep our little messed up trio together as a family. Whether I was away at school, living in or out of the house, being home on Christmas Day always felt good. We would catch up as she made dinner or go through all the awful gifts students & staff members gave her during the holidays. Yes, I will call her on Christmas but it's not the same. I will miss her mashed potatoes and her laugh. I don't know if she'll read this (she's still learning how to do the whole twitter thing - I'm not sure if she knows I have a blog), but I wrote this play about her a few months ago.
I hope she knows that I love her & miss her.
Merry Christmas, Mom.
-------------------------------------------------------
“I know I don’t say this enough: To Camille Strawbridge”
I’m sitting CS in a chair while 2 people (preferably male) are standing on blocks, diagonally facing me on my left and right. On Go, I start sewing. The 2 people will go back and forth reading off of provided index cards, in an aggressive & condescending tone – when they are done reading each card, they will throw/fling it at me. After all the index cards are read & thrown, those people exit simultaneously off through the side curtains.
Another person (female) stands USL w/ Mic & Mic Stand - She reads/says the following:
"When she was little, her mom was her best friend.
They went everywhere & did everything together.
They were 2 peas in a pod.
She thought her mom was the best.
When she was around 7 years old, she asked her mom if she could have her closet of clothes because she wanted to dress just like her mom when she got older. Over the years, her mom has taught her how to tie her shoes, how to laugh, how to drive, how to separate whites and colors into separate loads of laundry, and how to stand up for what you believe in and love. She wasn't just her mom, but also a wife, a businesswoman & her best friend.
What’s funny about her relationship with her mom is she never wanted to grow up to be a ‘mom’ or a ‘wife’, but she wanted to be her, as a person. She wanted to grow up to be just like the independent, opinionated, intelligent, fun & beautiful Camille Strawbridge – her mom.
As she has gotten older, she sees that she is turning into that woman her mother is. Personality wise, she sees it more and more everyday. She’s growing into that independent, opinionated & fun person, just like her mom. Her mother has taught her to be herself and that it’s ok to be who you are."
Me: "You may not agree with everything I do, say or believe – be it my political views, my sense of style, my musical tastes or even what I eat, but I know you still love me for who I am. You take me for me. And Mom, I want to say thanks (holds up whatever it is I was making) and I love you."
Curtain.
N.Strawbridge
9/2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Emotions are bitches
Why is it that the things you want, need, are always the hardest to actually, physically do or say?
The things that make your mind cluttered,
the person who makes your heart feel like a bass drum keeping a rythym in your chest?
It's those things that really matter,
that can be a chance,
an opportunity at something so great
but you don't have the guts to take that one step forward to make it happen.
Why does it have to be so hard to ask one question,
the question,
that will get you the answer you're longing for,
hoping for?
Emotions are a bitch - A bitch in red heels, stomping at your soul, laughing at you and your insecurities.
The things that make your mind cluttered,
the person who makes your heart feel like a bass drum keeping a rythym in your chest?
It's those things that really matter,
that can be a chance,
an opportunity at something so great
but you don't have the guts to take that one step forward to make it happen.
Why does it have to be so hard to ask one question,
the question,
that will get you the answer you're longing for,
hoping for?
Emotions are a bitch - A bitch in red heels, stomping at your soul, laughing at you and your insecurities.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Waking Dream
Whispers in my ear.
I can hear your voice
I can feel you breathing.
You feel so right, so real
I feel happy
I am happy.
I can't help but smile
You always know how to make me smile.
It feels so real
I want this to be real
If I could stay there,
in that moment,
I would forever.
Waking up
back in reality
you're not here.
I still have a smile on my face
I won't forget this.
N. Strawbridge
12/2/09
I can hear your voice
I can feel you breathing.
You feel so right, so real
I feel happy
I am happy.
I can't help but smile
You always know how to make me smile.
It feels so real
I want this to be real
If I could stay there,
in that moment,
I would forever.
Waking up
back in reality
you're not here.
I still have a smile on my face
I won't forget this.
N. Strawbridge
12/2/09
Friday, November 20, 2009
Cracking into the writer within...
It's been almost 3 years since I first saw "Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind", the ever changing Off Off Broadway show that is brought to the stage of the Kraine every week by the talented theatre group called the New York Neo-Futurists. I am blessed to call almost all of them friends but since I started volunteering, working & learning from them these last 2 1/2 years, it has opened up my creative side, especially the writer in me.
If you are unfamiliar with the Neo-Futurism style of writing/performing, the 3 main points you need to always know are:
1. You are who you are
2. You are where you are
3. You are doing what you are doing
Basically, whatever you see or hear, is real. No one is lying or making shit up.
If you would like to read more into Neo-Futurism, you can go here: http://www.nyneofuturists.org/site/index.php?/site/whats_the_whatism/
People constantly ask me to describe the show, "Too Much Light" & "TML" for short, and the only thing I can honestly tell them is that it's an experience. It can't really be described - sure I can tell you that they attempt to do 30 plays in 60 minutes & all the plays are different & somewhat short but really that's a far cry from what you will experience from the moment you walk in the theatre.
I suggest you check it out. It's @ the Kraine Theatre on E. 4th St every Fri & Sat Nights @ 10:30pm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is one of the first plays I wrote within the Neo-Futurist style.
“My First Time”
[Neo sitting DSL on a block w/ mic & mic stand. Light on Neo (spot/clamp light?) Some 90s grunge song (Spacehog - “In the Meantime”) plays in the background.]
{Monologue spoken almost as if Neo is being interrogated}
I remember my first time, as most people do, I suppose.
It’s February 1997 & I’m 16 years old.
This girl I was friends with, Jen Minieri, convinced this guy she was dating to throw a party at his house while his parents were gone one weekend.
I recall there being a lot of people at the party there I didn’t know – looking back on it now, I still don’t know most of them.
It definitely wasn’t a planned thing, more of an impromptu meeting; one that would cause a deep love/hate relationship of sorts to this present day. He wasn’t much taller than me but had the clearest blue eyes. He wasn’t the perfect, all-American football type but the opposite – exactly the type you don’t bring home to your parents.
He said I had nothing to worry about.
I was nervous & a bit worried. Did I have any idea what I was getting myself into? I mean I wasn’t naïve, but going to an all-girls private high school didn’t exactly give me much experience with something like this. I didn’t want to seem disinterested or worse, act un-cool. Typical teen peer pressure was hitting me harder than a ton of bricks.
He said I had nothing to worry about.
It wasn’t the most enjoyable experience - It was quick and sort of rough. I knew at one point I was making one of those awkward uncomfortable faces – you know the one you make when someone asks you if their baby is cute & you can’t say no because it looks like an alien but can’t say yes either since nothing at all is redeeming about their child, so you just make the awkward face & say “it looks just like you!”
Afterward, he said “that was great.” He was sweet.
[3 Neos – 1 with a podium, 1 with a shot glass & vodka, and the last with a slice of lemon & sugar – put them CS & walk off]
In hindsight, I probably should have waited for a million reasons I could list now, but they would just be excuses for giving in to peer pressure, lack of self-esteem & falling into those crystal blue eyes.
[Light up on podium Neo gets up, walks to podium.]
This time I’d like to do it on my own terms – not because of some sandy-blonde, blue eyed skater guy or peer pressure – but because I want to…[Neo does lemon drop shot]
…but I know I will always make that awkward face.
Curtain.
N.Strawbridge
11/2008
If you are unfamiliar with the Neo-Futurism style of writing/performing, the 3 main points you need to always know are:
1. You are who you are
2. You are where you are
3. You are doing what you are doing
Basically, whatever you see or hear, is real. No one is lying or making shit up.
If you would like to read more into Neo-Futurism, you can go here: http://www.nyneofuturists.org/site/index.php?/site/whats_the_whatism/
People constantly ask me to describe the show, "Too Much Light" & "TML" for short, and the only thing I can honestly tell them is that it's an experience. It can't really be described - sure I can tell you that they attempt to do 30 plays in 60 minutes & all the plays are different & somewhat short but really that's a far cry from what you will experience from the moment you walk in the theatre.
I suggest you check it out. It's @ the Kraine Theatre on E. 4th St every Fri & Sat Nights @ 10:30pm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is one of the first plays I wrote within the Neo-Futurist style.
“My First Time”
[Neo sitting DSL on a block w/ mic & mic stand. Light on Neo (spot/clamp light?) Some 90s grunge song (Spacehog - “In the Meantime”) plays in the background.]
{Monologue spoken almost as if Neo is being interrogated}
I remember my first time, as most people do, I suppose.
It’s February 1997 & I’m 16 years old.
This girl I was friends with, Jen Minieri, convinced this guy she was dating to throw a party at his house while his parents were gone one weekend.
I recall there being a lot of people at the party there I didn’t know – looking back on it now, I still don’t know most of them.
It definitely wasn’t a planned thing, more of an impromptu meeting; one that would cause a deep love/hate relationship of sorts to this present day. He wasn’t much taller than me but had the clearest blue eyes. He wasn’t the perfect, all-American football type but the opposite – exactly the type you don’t bring home to your parents.
He said I had nothing to worry about.
I was nervous & a bit worried. Did I have any idea what I was getting myself into? I mean I wasn’t naïve, but going to an all-girls private high school didn’t exactly give me much experience with something like this. I didn’t want to seem disinterested or worse, act un-cool. Typical teen peer pressure was hitting me harder than a ton of bricks.
He said I had nothing to worry about.
It wasn’t the most enjoyable experience - It was quick and sort of rough. I knew at one point I was making one of those awkward uncomfortable faces – you know the one you make when someone asks you if their baby is cute & you can’t say no because it looks like an alien but can’t say yes either since nothing at all is redeeming about their child, so you just make the awkward face & say “it looks just like you!”
Afterward, he said “that was great.” He was sweet.
[3 Neos – 1 with a podium, 1 with a shot glass & vodka, and the last with a slice of lemon & sugar – put them CS & walk off]
In hindsight, I probably should have waited for a million reasons I could list now, but they would just be excuses for giving in to peer pressure, lack of self-esteem & falling into those crystal blue eyes.
[Light up on podium Neo gets up, walks to podium.]
This time I’d like to do it on my own terms – not because of some sandy-blonde, blue eyed skater guy or peer pressure – but because I want to…[Neo does lemon drop shot]
…but I know I will always make that awkward face.
Curtain.
N.Strawbridge
11/2008
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The Proust Questionnaire
The Proust Questionnaire is a questionnaire about one's personality. Its name and modern popularity as a form of interview is owed to the responses given by the French writer, Marcel Proust, the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering these questions, an individual reveals his or her true nature.
Here is the basic Proust Questionnaire & my answers:
1.What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Finding true love. Having fun & being able to enjoy life more, free from sadness, worry & anxiety. Being loved & appreciated for who I am & what I do.
2.What is your greatest fear?
To be forgotten. Being alone for the rest of life. To have done nothing productive, meaningful or successful with my life.
3.What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My laziness & lack of confidence in myself.
4.What is the trait you most deplore in others?
lack of respect for others' feelings, opinions & overall being.
5.Which living person do you most admire?
Tina Fey, my Mom
6.What is your greatest extravagance?
I honestly don't know... I don't own much of value. The one thing I spend a lot of money on that people would consider extravagant is tattoos (my most recent one cost me $400) so I guess I'll say that.
7.What is your current state of mind?
Confused. worried. over-analytical. indifferent.
8.What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
How can a virtue be overrated?
9.On what occasion do you lie?
When I don't want to tell the truth.
10.What do you most dislike about your appearance?
That people classify me as 'young' & 'cute' - I feel those adjectives should be limited to use only in describing babies (human or animal). Even though I know I look young for my age (I've been getting told this since I was in high school), I am not a baby anymore and wish not to be referred to as cute. I feel as an adult approaching my 30s, I wish I could be called 'attractive' or 'appealing'. I know I'll never be sexy or hot (I'm just not on that scale) but I'm so done with being cute.
11.Which living person do you most despise?
it's a 3 way tie between Miley Cyrus; any person that goes on a reality TV show expecting to it to a)be awesome, b)make them famous or c)make people like them; & anyone who is just a plain ol' douchebag.
12.What is the quality you most like in a man?
being compassionate & understanding goes without question but also one that can communicate what he needs/wants/feels.
13.What is the quality you most like in a woman?
loyalty & understanding
14.Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
awesome, 'good luck with that'
15.What or who is the greatest love of your life?
i think that this 'technically' should be 2 questions since you could have a love for something & have a person great love in your life, so:
What is the greatest love of my life? Music
Who is the greatest love of my life? i don't have one unless my cat, Lucy, counts.
16.When and where were you happiest?
doing things I love with friends/people i care about
17.Which talent would you most like to have?
I would like to have better singing abilities - have better range & more talent.
18.What do you consider your greatest achievement?
still being alive.
19.If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
If I die, I don't want to come back as anything.
21.Where would you most like to live?
Manhattan
22.What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
loving someone and not having the love be reciprocated or not being able to act on your feelings.
23.What is your favorite occupation?
something i enjoy doing + getting paid for it + people i enjoy working with/for = formula for the perfect job
24.What is your most marked characteristic?
I've been told that my smile and/or my cheekbones are what people notice most. I guess my tattoos could also qualify as an answer.
25.What do you most value in your friends?
honesty, compassion, understanding, sense of humor
26.What are your favorite names?
Jane, Emma, Kate, Abby, Sam, Luke, Lucas, Jack
27.What is it that you most dislike?
i dislike MOST things but if here are the top things that irk me: country music, idiotic drivers, winter.
28.What is your greatest regret?
that I didn't have the guts to stand up & pursuit (or at least attempt to follow) my dreams.
29.How would you like to die?
young, quickly & hopefully not forgotten.
30.What is your motto?
i don't have one but i've always like this quote by Abe Lincoln I discovered in 7th grade: 'Whatever you are, be a good one'.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Blackholes & Revelations
Daylight Savings Time ended last weekend. We all got an extra hour to sleep, work, eat, drink or whatever you like to do in your spare time (technically I had the extra time to post this, but well I didn't - sue me) In return for turning our clocks back, we get to feel like we live in Antarctica during its 'the sun is so fucking far away we won't see it again for 6 months' period. Well, I know what that means for me...
:cue depressive entry:
(don't say I didn't I warn you. no one's making you sit there & read this...at least I hope not, then I might have an iota of sympathy for you)
I don't do well with Winter. I know I've written about the weather. I'm not talking about just physically dealing with Winter, with the actual cold, shitty weather conditions (which I do HATE), but I'm referring to mentally. There's less daylight & warmth. The baseball season is already long over & done with and pitchers & catchers can't seem to report soon enough. If you say you like the Winter Olympics better than the Summer Olympics, I would like to punch you in the face and ship you off to Norway or the South Pole. Everything's dead or in the process of dying. It just seems like, especially in the Northeast, Winter forces you to remain inside, closed off from the world. Even animals say "Screw this shit - We're hibernating for a few months". People tend to keep to themselves and isolation seems to start to blossom...
What's that? "What about the Holidays" you say? Well, the Holiday season should be something to look forward to but for me, the Holidays BLOW. Mainly due to reasons with family issues (most of them just being 'family'), I haven't really celebrated a Thanksgiving or Christmas in over a decade. So I fly solo. Believe me, it's an excellent alternative to spend one of the most festive & enjoyable times of the year if your family either a) hates celebrating holidays b) hates the rest of the family or c) hates you.
Also I should mention that I have this small little issue that I've been dealing with for awhile called major depressive disorder. Usually around this time of year (and at times during the Winter) my mood & attitude can really take a beating (and that's an understatement). And you may say to yourself, "That sounds like a real fancy way of saying you're sad sometimes" or "You're crazy?!?! Holy Shit! That explains sooo much!" I really can't tell people what to think or say about a given topic. I'm not going to get all Tom Cruise here, getting into a debate/fight/cagematch over Psychology or even attempt to describe to someone what it feels like to have & deal with an issue like this. I don't go up to people who have Diabetes and say "Hey, Just lay off the sugar & you'll be fine! No big deal." It really just isn't that simple. There are no clear explanations or answers and I think that's what makes people skeptical about thinking Depression is a disease. What you've heard, read, seen about Depression through the media - The commericals for all the medications, TV shows/movies that try to give some light into the issue - most don't do it any justice. It's like having any other illness or issue in life - everyone deals with it in their own way & how they think is best to deal with it. Everyone is different. As Lewis Black would say, "We are all Snowflakes."
I wasn't diagnosed until college but I've been dealing with Depression (and some other issues) in one way or another since high school. Unfortunately for me, no combination of any pill and/or therapist have seemed to keep my Depression under wraps. It's been a roller coaster ride of ups & downs. Something might work for awhile or I may be in a place in my life where things are going well and are stable, but then I hit a bump in the road, that becomes a pothole, that turns into a sinkhole that I just can't seem to get out of. It's like I'm in my own personal Blackhole. No matter how well I think I can be doing at a given time, my Depression never completely escapes me. But it's times like this, with the impending change of weather/seasons, that is the hardest for me to deal with. The last 2 years around this time have been emotionally rough for me. A bad breakup & a move back to Westchester in 2007 & last year new anxiety with a new job, living back on my own & relationships (or really the lack there of). I remember I went to a friend's wedding last year & I distinctly remember saying out loud "I don't want to go. I can't be around people right now, especially celebrating & being happy." It had nothing to do with my friends getting married, I just couldn't deal. (I ended up going to the wedding but kept to myself really & left early.) I've been told by some that maybe I just have a case of "seasonal affective disorder", which is a good point, but I know it's more than that. I know that the Winter doesn't help someone like me, but I also don't think my answer is as simple as something also known as 'the winter blues.'
It's a struggle I deal with every single day. I can be fine when I wake up & take a turn for the worse by a simple conversation or act I encounter. I could wake up feeling so horrible that I don't think it's worth it to get out bed - but I do & end up not having such a bad day after all. It's those days that I try to remember. It's little things people say to me or do. Sometimes it's something I experience that makes me smile or feel better that I try to keep with me. I need to remember those for these upcoming months of darkness & cold...
I guess I could always resort to hibernation.
:cue depressive entry:
(don't say I didn't I warn you. no one's making you sit there & read this...at least I hope not, then I might have an iota of sympathy for you)
I don't do well with Winter. I know I've written about the weather. I'm not talking about just physically dealing with Winter, with the actual cold, shitty weather conditions (which I do HATE), but I'm referring to mentally. There's less daylight & warmth. The baseball season is already long over & done with and pitchers & catchers can't seem to report soon enough. If you say you like the Winter Olympics better than the Summer Olympics, I would like to punch you in the face and ship you off to Norway or the South Pole. Everything's dead or in the process of dying. It just seems like, especially in the Northeast, Winter forces you to remain inside, closed off from the world. Even animals say "Screw this shit - We're hibernating for a few months". People tend to keep to themselves and isolation seems to start to blossom...
What's that? "What about the Holidays" you say? Well, the Holiday season should be something to look forward to but for me, the Holidays BLOW. Mainly due to reasons with family issues (most of them just being 'family'), I haven't really celebrated a Thanksgiving or Christmas in over a decade. So I fly solo. Believe me, it's an excellent alternative to spend one of the most festive & enjoyable times of the year if your family either a) hates celebrating holidays b) hates the rest of the family or c) hates you.
Also I should mention that I have this small little issue that I've been dealing with for awhile called major depressive disorder. Usually around this time of year (and at times during the Winter) my mood & attitude can really take a beating (and that's an understatement). And you may say to yourself, "That sounds like a real fancy way of saying you're sad sometimes" or "You're crazy?!?! Holy Shit! That explains sooo much!" I really can't tell people what to think or say about a given topic. I'm not going to get all Tom Cruise here, getting into a debate/fight/cagematch over Psychology or even attempt to describe to someone what it feels like to have & deal with an issue like this. I don't go up to people who have Diabetes and say "Hey, Just lay off the sugar & you'll be fine! No big deal." It really just isn't that simple. There are no clear explanations or answers and I think that's what makes people skeptical about thinking Depression is a disease. What you've heard, read, seen about Depression through the media - The commericals for all the medications, TV shows/movies that try to give some light into the issue - most don't do it any justice. It's like having any other illness or issue in life - everyone deals with it in their own way & how they think is best to deal with it. Everyone is different. As Lewis Black would say, "We are all Snowflakes."
I wasn't diagnosed until college but I've been dealing with Depression (and some other issues) in one way or another since high school. Unfortunately for me, no combination of any pill and/or therapist have seemed to keep my Depression under wraps. It's been a roller coaster ride of ups & downs. Something might work for awhile or I may be in a place in my life where things are going well and are stable, but then I hit a bump in the road, that becomes a pothole, that turns into a sinkhole that I just can't seem to get out of. It's like I'm in my own personal Blackhole. No matter how well I think I can be doing at a given time, my Depression never completely escapes me. But it's times like this, with the impending change of weather/seasons, that is the hardest for me to deal with. The last 2 years around this time have been emotionally rough for me. A bad breakup & a move back to Westchester in 2007 & last year new anxiety with a new job, living back on my own & relationships (or really the lack there of). I remember I went to a friend's wedding last year & I distinctly remember saying out loud "I don't want to go. I can't be around people right now, especially celebrating & being happy." It had nothing to do with my friends getting married, I just couldn't deal. (I ended up going to the wedding but kept to myself really & left early.) I've been told by some that maybe I just have a case of "seasonal affective disorder", which is a good point, but I know it's more than that. I know that the Winter doesn't help someone like me, but I also don't think my answer is as simple as something also known as 'the winter blues.'
It's a struggle I deal with every single day. I can be fine when I wake up & take a turn for the worse by a simple conversation or act I encounter. I could wake up feeling so horrible that I don't think it's worth it to get out bed - but I do & end up not having such a bad day after all. It's those days that I try to remember. It's little things people say to me or do. Sometimes it's something I experience that makes me smile or feel better that I try to keep with me. I need to remember those for these upcoming months of darkness & cold...
I guess I could always resort to hibernation.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
So when I started this blog, I wanted to post things that I write (plays, poems etc) on here in addition to just writing & ranting on any given subject.
I'm not Plath or Dickinson so I wouldn't be expecting anything life changing or mind blowing. Honestly, I just write what comes to me and it helps me to get things out of my head.
This particular poem doesn't have a title (yet).
A slight touch
those blue eyes looking so...
A smile and an embrace
of which I can not possibly describe.
Lying there
so close
yet uncertainty makes the small space between us seem so vast,
like we are worlds apart.
I'm speechless
I wish to reach out
to hold you
kiss you
want you
want you to want me.
I want you to tell me your dreams
secrets
fears
I want you to tell me anything.
But you seem so far
unreachable.
I feel I may lose you.
Breathing and my bass-drum beating heart.
The silence is deafening.
Please make it stop.
I want you.
I want you to make it stop.
N. Strawbridge
9/28/09
I'm not Plath or Dickinson so I wouldn't be expecting anything life changing or mind blowing. Honestly, I just write what comes to me and it helps me to get things out of my head.
This particular poem doesn't have a title (yet).
A slight touch
those blue eyes looking so...
A smile and an embrace
of which I can not possibly describe.
Lying there
so close
yet uncertainty makes the small space between us seem so vast,
like we are worlds apart.
I'm speechless
I wish to reach out
to hold you
kiss you
want you
want you to want me.
I want you to tell me your dreams
secrets
fears
I want you to tell me anything.
But you seem so far
unreachable.
I feel I may lose you.
Breathing and my bass-drum beating heart.
The silence is deafening.
Please make it stop.
I want you.
I want you to make it stop.
N. Strawbridge
9/28/09
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Seasons of Love....and Hatred.
Disclaimer: let me first say that this isn't going to be your typical post or blog where I'm just bitch about the weather (well,I might a little but only to make a valid point) or try to be the next Framer's Almanac - it will involve more that that.
I've been a Northeast girl my whole life - I've never lived outside of the tri-state area - so I've always had the privilege & the extreme displeasure of experiencing all 4 seasons. Unfortunately in the past decade or so, the normal 4 seasons have become something more of a thing of the past, like 8-track players, typewriters & phones with cords.
So in honor of the the recent change of season, here is my list of seasons (listed in the order of most hated to most loved):
I despise, loathe, have the deepest hatred for Winter that i'm getting angry just thinking about it's arrival in just a few months. The only thing I used to enjoy about Winter is the Christmas holidays but well, that now just gets me depressed. So basically I HATE WINTER. that is all.
Spring & Fall are the most evident victims for us East Coasters. I don't remember the last time we had decent a Spring or Fall. Believe me, I know when they get here - my sinuses are my new change in season indicator - but that aside, or looking at a calendar or hearing it via the news, the actual weather will not let you know what season it is.
Spring, normally a time for growth, warming up and breaking out of a winter shell, has brought unusually colder & damp days. This past Spring, we had more rain in a matter of 1 month than we did the entire summer before. Now I know that Spring is the rainy season, but seriously? What happened to the color and life that Spring used to offer? Flowers blooming & animals coming back out to play? Spring I really don't have a like or dislike for. I just can't stand that cold dampness that runs through my body and chills me to the bone. If we could make it rain less in the Spring, I'd probably enjoy it more.
My second favorite season is Fall. I love a lot of things about Fall - it is one of the prettiest times of year, especially in the Northeast - nothing beats taking a drive up the Taconic and seeing the leaves & trees change colors. I love that Fall has brief snippets of "Indian Summer" to help ease me into Winter. It is also the only season that has 2 names - some people only call it Autumn because they are too cool to say Fall. Fall to me as a kid was fun - back to school time, jumping in leaf piles my dad just made, it wasn't too hot or too cold to be outside (a.k.a perfect bike riding weather). Now, Fall has other amazing reminders: Television comes back to life, postseason baseball & the beginning of another Football season. I kinda wish sometimes it could be Fall all the time - it's not too cold but it's not ungodly hot. It's sweatshirt/long-sleeved weather all the time... you can't beat that.
Summer is my favorite season. Summer means: longer, sunnier days, getting to watch my favorite sport practically everyday, Tanktops & Flipflops, windows rolled all way down in my car with the music blaring, my birthday, weekend roadtrips, outdoor funtimes. My favorite memories as a kid were during the summertime. If someone came up with a solution to getting rid of the humidity & bug issue that Summer brings to the Northeast, I would be willing to give them my first born child or a high-five. I guess I could just move to San Diego or Arizona too.
So in honor of the the recent change of season, here is my list of seasons (listed in the order of most hated to most loved):
I despise, loathe, have the deepest hatred for Winter that i'm getting angry just thinking about it's arrival in just a few months. The only thing I used to enjoy about Winter is the Christmas holidays but well, that now just gets me depressed. So basically I HATE WINTER. that is all.
Spring & Fall are the most evident victims for us East Coasters. I don't remember the last time we had decent a Spring or Fall. Believe me, I know when they get here - my sinuses are my new change in season indicator - but that aside, or looking at a calendar or hearing it via the news, the actual weather will not let you know what season it is.
Spring, normally a time for growth, warming up and breaking out of a winter shell, has brought unusually colder & damp days. This past Spring, we had more rain in a matter of 1 month than we did the entire summer before. Now I know that Spring is the rainy season, but seriously? What happened to the color and life that Spring used to offer? Flowers blooming & animals coming back out to play? Spring I really don't have a like or dislike for. I just can't stand that cold dampness that runs through my body and chills me to the bone. If we could make it rain less in the Spring, I'd probably enjoy it more.
My second favorite season is Fall. I love a lot of things about Fall - it is one of the prettiest times of year, especially in the Northeast - nothing beats taking a drive up the Taconic and seeing the leaves & trees change colors. I love that Fall has brief snippets of "Indian Summer" to help ease me into Winter. It is also the only season that has 2 names - some people only call it Autumn because they are too cool to say Fall. Fall to me as a kid was fun - back to school time, jumping in leaf piles my dad just made, it wasn't too hot or too cold to be outside (a.k.a perfect bike riding weather). Now, Fall has other amazing reminders: Television comes back to life, postseason baseball & the beginning of another Football season. I kinda wish sometimes it could be Fall all the time - it's not too cold but it's not ungodly hot. It's sweatshirt/long-sleeved weather all the time... you can't beat that.
Summer is my favorite season. Summer means: longer, sunnier days, getting to watch my favorite sport practically everyday, Tanktops & Flipflops, windows rolled all way down in my car with the music blaring, my birthday, weekend roadtrips, outdoor funtimes. My favorite memories as a kid were during the summertime. If someone came up with a solution to getting rid of the humidity & bug issue that Summer brings to the Northeast, I would be willing to give them my first born child or a high-five. I guess I could just move to San Diego or Arizona too.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
My 4 Food Groups
If I could create 4 food groups and live on those for the rest of my life (without weight gain or health issues) they would be:
Coffee, Cookies, Pizza & Beer.
Why?
Because they all taste so fucking good. Yes, there are the cases that you get a horrid slice of pizza (usually this occurs outside of the tri-state area) or that cup of coffee isn't to your standards, but I can honestly say that when eating these things I have consciously said out loud and in my head, "Oh My God, this is/tastes amazing."
Coffee: When I'm @ home, I put splenda & coffeemate french vanilla creamer in my coffee, but when I'm out, I go for the ol' light & sweet (just like me!) unless I'm at starbucks - then it's the skinny vanilla lattes that are my weakness. I am a fan of Iced Coffee but a hot cup of coffee will never let me down.
Pizza: I'm a plain person - always have, always will be. It's dough, sauce & cheese - why fuck it up with everything else? If you're going to throw meat or vegetables on it, you might as well just have a sandwich. I do like sicilian slices, but it depends from where. Fleetwood Joe's Pizzeria & Restaurant makes the BEST sicilian slices I've ever had.
Beer: You know when people say "it's an acquired taste"? I acquired the taste for Beer. I used to never like it. In college, I liked Rum & 'fratboy punch' (if you have to ask, you probably didn't go to college & don't want to know what I'm referring to) and assorted mixed drinks (which i do still like), but except to play beruit(beer pong), I never drank beer. Not until I was living in the city did I start drinking beer on a regular basis & sadly I think I started because it was cheaper than buying other drinks. But so started my love for Beer.... I prefer ales over lagers or stouts (I like to have a beer with my meal, not AS my meal) and I really can't stand IPAs. I have to admit that I'm not that much of a beer snob - my favorites are Sam Adams Summer Ale, Allagash, Hennepin & PBR, right out of the can (classy right?)
Cookies: The trickest one on this list. This is where my desire for things being plain sort of goes out the window. I LOVE cookies. Cookie Monster wasn't my favorite seasame street character growing up (actually it sort of scared the hell out of me when he would manically attack cookie products) but he slowly became my favorite over the years. Much like people are on a mission to find God, or to go to every Major League Ballpark, or climb to the top of every mountain, I would like to start my own mission: to find the best & most delicious cookies in the world. I'm going to go call that guy on that show (you know who I'm talking about) and see if we have a spin-off in the making. My favorite cookie of all time is a chewy soft chocolate chip cookie, but I do enjoy Oatmeal, Snickerdoodle, Samoas (thank you girl scouts of america) cookies. I do not like cookies with peanut butter, nuts, fruit, berries, sprinkles, sparkles or confetti in them. Caramel, coconut & Chocolate are the only exceptions.
These make up the 4 food groups. Now, of course there are the occasional speciality foods like ice cream cake, my mom's mashed potatoes, pancakes, burritos but I don't love those enough to give them their own category. They are like holidays - foods that I wouldn't want to live on but gorge myself on every once in awhile.
Coffee, Cookies, Pizza & Beer.
Why?
Because they all taste so fucking good. Yes, there are the cases that you get a horrid slice of pizza (usually this occurs outside of the tri-state area) or that cup of coffee isn't to your standards, but I can honestly say that when eating these things I have consciously said out loud and in my head, "Oh My God, this is/tastes amazing."
Coffee: When I'm @ home, I put splenda & coffeemate french vanilla creamer in my coffee, but when I'm out, I go for the ol' light & sweet (just like me!) unless I'm at starbucks - then it's the skinny vanilla lattes that are my weakness. I am a fan of Iced Coffee but a hot cup of coffee will never let me down.
Pizza: I'm a plain person - always have, always will be. It's dough, sauce & cheese - why fuck it up with everything else? If you're going to throw meat or vegetables on it, you might as well just have a sandwich. I do like sicilian slices, but it depends from where. Fleetwood Joe's Pizzeria & Restaurant makes the BEST sicilian slices I've ever had.
Beer: You know when people say "it's an acquired taste"? I acquired the taste for Beer. I used to never like it. In college, I liked Rum & 'fratboy punch' (if you have to ask, you probably didn't go to college & don't want to know what I'm referring to) and assorted mixed drinks (which i do still like), but except to play beruit(beer pong), I never drank beer. Not until I was living in the city did I start drinking beer on a regular basis & sadly I think I started because it was cheaper than buying other drinks. But so started my love for Beer.... I prefer ales over lagers or stouts (I like to have a beer with my meal, not AS my meal) and I really can't stand IPAs. I have to admit that I'm not that much of a beer snob - my favorites are Sam Adams Summer Ale, Allagash, Hennepin & PBR, right out of the can (classy right?)
Cookies: The trickest one on this list. This is where my desire for things being plain sort of goes out the window. I LOVE cookies. Cookie Monster wasn't my favorite seasame street character growing up (actually it sort of scared the hell out of me when he would manically attack cookie products) but he slowly became my favorite over the years. Much like people are on a mission to find God, or to go to every Major League Ballpark, or climb to the top of every mountain, I would like to start my own mission: to find the best & most delicious cookies in the world. I'm going to go call that guy on that show (you know who I'm talking about) and see if we have a spin-off in the making. My favorite cookie of all time is a chewy soft chocolate chip cookie, but I do enjoy Oatmeal, Snickerdoodle, Samoas (thank you girl scouts of america) cookies. I do not like cookies with peanut butter, nuts, fruit, berries, sprinkles, sparkles or confetti in them. Caramel, coconut & Chocolate are the only exceptions.
These make up the 4 food groups. Now, of course there are the occasional speciality foods like ice cream cake, my mom's mashed potatoes, pancakes, burritos but I don't love those enough to give them their own category. They are like holidays - foods that I wouldn't want to live on but gorge myself on every once in awhile.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Things (you may or may not know) about me
Some things may surprise, some may be totally obvious and well, other things just unexplainable....
Do with it what you will.
I'm left handed but the only thing I can't do is bat lefty.
I was on a soap opera when I was 2.
I'm a sports fanatic - most people, especially guys, are amazed at the fact that not only do I like sports, and like to watch them, but I can actually TALK sports....not that "I love Derek Jeter!" BS, but I actually know shit. I was born and raised a Yankees fan & accidentally became an Eagles fan, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. The 2 sports that I can't really watch are golf (it's too quiet & boring) and the NBA.
I've never been outside of the continental US - I don't even have a passport.
Unlike most people, I pretty much hated college. To me it was an over-sized, sleep-away version of High School, drama included. I didn't go to my college graduation because a) I didn't give a shit & b) it was the season finale of SNL and since I was interning there that Spring, being THERE was cooler than anything my college could have even attempted to pull off.
My current job description: I watch TV and get paid for it. So yes, that means I get to watch tv for a living. I guess it helps that I am a TV addict - I'll watch almost anything but cooking shows, televised mass or the CBS network (unless it's for sports)
At this moment, I truly have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Thanks to my mom's fear of drowning, I started swimming when I was 10 months old. I've lifeguarded, taught swim lessons & even swam Division III in college, but I want to know why I didn't turn out like Michael Phelps... I blame it on my shortness.
I’m an only child and so is my mom.
Working in radio was the best & worst thing that could have happened to me. I now know an insane amount of information about music, but have gained a greater respect & hatred for the music business. Music has always been and always will be an intense & huge part of my life.
I've had a subscription to Sports Illustrated for the last 8 years.
Over the last few years, I don’t know what I would have done without my cat, Lucy. I don't care what anyone else says, she is the fucking coolest cat ever. She's been my lifesaver (literally). I will probably bawl my eyes out when she goes.
I am a huge procrastinator - my first all-nighter was when I was a junior in HS because I waited to do a semester long assignment the night before it was due. (I still hate you Mrs. Rooney!)
I couldn’t play the part of the fox in my Kindergarten play “The Gingerbread Boy” because I had the chicken pox.
30 Rock, The Office, House, LOST, Weeds & The Soup are the greatest shows on TV right now, but no matter what, if any of the Law & Orders are on (except for Criminal Intent), I will always watch it even if I’ve seen it 12 times already.
I’ve never fractured or broken a bone. I’ve also never had a cavity. (Hooray Milk!)
The NY Neo-Futurists (the theater group I work with) are some of the most talented & greatest writers/performers/people in NYC. I am so grateful to be able to work with them - I want to be like them when I grow up. go check them out - www.nynf.org
I'm what you call an 'almost-vegetarian': I don't eat red meat, pork or seafood. I've always been an extremely picky eater since I was very young, but if I could live on coffee, cookies & pizza for the rest of my life and stay exactly the size I am now, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
I’ve dreamed of just picking up and moving to several places in the US, but always fear that no city could match New York. I would miss it & all that it offers, especially the pizza.
2 things that I absolutely can not stand are idiotic, careless drivers & today’s country music.
Movies are not my best category in trivia. People have wanted to hurt me when I've said things like "I've never seen the Princess Bride" or "I just recently saw The Goonies for the first time".
I wish I saw & talked to all of my friends more often, regardless of whether they live in the same town or in another country.... with all this damn technology, keeping in touch should be easier!
I enjoy puzzles, especially crossword puzzles and although most people thought I was crazy, I actually enjoyed math classes in school.
Nothing is better than live music – the energy & emotion that you see, hear & feel is something that needs to be bottled & sold.... I believe I just created the solution that will help save the economy.
I have 6 tattoos and I want to get more. I don't think they are for everyone, but I love them.
I like to get mail - who doesn't love the feeling of opening their mailbox & finding a card or a letter instead of just boring bills?? it means someone thought of you and cared to say hi.
I'm DEFINITELY not a morning person.... trust me, you probably don't want to find out so take my word for it.
I love trivia & karaoke nights at bars. I'm not going to be the next American Idol, but I can hold my own on a few songs... and I'm one hell of a backup singer.
I hate getting dressed up & very, very rarely do you see me wearing makeup.
I LOATHE the winter, but if i could get rid of one thing associated with the summer is humidity.
I believe that people 65+ years old should not be allowed to drive. No exceptions.
I don't understand people who say they have a favorite song. I could not think of 1 singular song that I LOVE SO MUCH that if I was forced to listen to ONLY that for the rest of my life, I wouldn't blow my brains out. Plus songs for me are kinda like memories - some are amazing, some are just good & others you wish you didn't have, but you won't ever forget.
My favorite book of all time is "Go Dog, Go!" by P.D. Eastman. Check it out - it will blow your mind.
I believe, and have been also told by others, that I was born in the wrong generation.
I love driving around and blasting music in my car and singing at the top of my lungs.
I'm a loud, sometimes bitchy & stubborn smartass.
If you haven't noticed, I like to write. I'm going to be honest - it's not all good, but hey we can't all be John Steinbeck or Edgar Allan Poe. I do write other things besides blog entries but I'm not entirely sure those things will be posted here - that's still TBD. I write to vent. I write to still keep my creativity alive in this depressive & monotonous life I lead. I write mainly because I can and want to, god damn it, so back off! and thanks for reading. (Oh and the pen & paper/computer don't talk back)
Do with it what you will.
I'm left handed but the only thing I can't do is bat lefty.
I was on a soap opera when I was 2.
I'm a sports fanatic - most people, especially guys, are amazed at the fact that not only do I like sports, and like to watch them, but I can actually TALK sports....not that "I love Derek Jeter!" BS, but I actually know shit. I was born and raised a Yankees fan & accidentally became an Eagles fan, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. The 2 sports that I can't really watch are golf (it's too quiet & boring) and the NBA.
I've never been outside of the continental US - I don't even have a passport.
Unlike most people, I pretty much hated college. To me it was an over-sized, sleep-away version of High School, drama included. I didn't go to my college graduation because a) I didn't give a shit & b) it was the season finale of SNL and since I was interning there that Spring, being THERE was cooler than anything my college could have even attempted to pull off.
My current job description: I watch TV and get paid for it. So yes, that means I get to watch tv for a living. I guess it helps that I am a TV addict - I'll watch almost anything but cooking shows, televised mass or the CBS network (unless it's for sports)
At this moment, I truly have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Thanks to my mom's fear of drowning, I started swimming when I was 10 months old. I've lifeguarded, taught swim lessons & even swam Division III in college, but I want to know why I didn't turn out like Michael Phelps... I blame it on my shortness.
I’m an only child and so is my mom.
Working in radio was the best & worst thing that could have happened to me. I now know an insane amount of information about music, but have gained a greater respect & hatred for the music business. Music has always been and always will be an intense & huge part of my life.
I've had a subscription to Sports Illustrated for the last 8 years.
Over the last few years, I don’t know what I would have done without my cat, Lucy. I don't care what anyone else says, she is the fucking coolest cat ever. She's been my lifesaver (literally). I will probably bawl my eyes out when she goes.
I am a huge procrastinator - my first all-nighter was when I was a junior in HS because I waited to do a semester long assignment the night before it was due. (I still hate you Mrs. Rooney!)
I couldn’t play the part of the fox in my Kindergarten play “The Gingerbread Boy” because I had the chicken pox.
30 Rock, The Office, House, LOST, Weeds & The Soup are the greatest shows on TV right now, but no matter what, if any of the Law & Orders are on (except for Criminal Intent), I will always watch it even if I’ve seen it 12 times already.
I’ve never fractured or broken a bone. I’ve also never had a cavity. (Hooray Milk!)
The NY Neo-Futurists (the theater group I work with) are some of the most talented & greatest writers/performers/people in NYC. I am so grateful to be able to work with them - I want to be like them when I grow up. go check them out - www.nynf.org
I'm what you call an 'almost-vegetarian': I don't eat red meat, pork or seafood. I've always been an extremely picky eater since I was very young, but if I could live on coffee, cookies & pizza for the rest of my life and stay exactly the size I am now, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
I’ve dreamed of just picking up and moving to several places in the US, but always fear that no city could match New York. I would miss it & all that it offers, especially the pizza.
2 things that I absolutely can not stand are idiotic, careless drivers & today’s country music.
Movies are not my best category in trivia. People have wanted to hurt me when I've said things like "I've never seen the Princess Bride" or "I just recently saw The Goonies for the first time".
I wish I saw & talked to all of my friends more often, regardless of whether they live in the same town or in another country.... with all this damn technology, keeping in touch should be easier!
I enjoy puzzles, especially crossword puzzles and although most people thought I was crazy, I actually enjoyed math classes in school.
Nothing is better than live music – the energy & emotion that you see, hear & feel is something that needs to be bottled & sold.... I believe I just created the solution that will help save the economy.
I have 6 tattoos and I want to get more. I don't think they are for everyone, but I love them.
I like to get mail - who doesn't love the feeling of opening their mailbox & finding a card or a letter instead of just boring bills?? it means someone thought of you and cared to say hi.
I'm DEFINITELY not a morning person.... trust me, you probably don't want to find out so take my word for it.
I love trivia & karaoke nights at bars. I'm not going to be the next American Idol, but I can hold my own on a few songs... and I'm one hell of a backup singer.
I hate getting dressed up & very, very rarely do you see me wearing makeup.
I LOATHE the winter, but if i could get rid of one thing associated with the summer is humidity.
I believe that people 65+ years old should not be allowed to drive. No exceptions.
I don't understand people who say they have a favorite song. I could not think of 1 singular song that I LOVE SO MUCH that if I was forced to listen to ONLY that for the rest of my life, I wouldn't blow my brains out. Plus songs for me are kinda like memories - some are amazing, some are just good & others you wish you didn't have, but you won't ever forget.
My favorite book of all time is "Go Dog, Go!" by P.D. Eastman. Check it out - it will blow your mind.
I believe, and have been also told by others, that I was born in the wrong generation.
I love driving around and blasting music in my car and singing at the top of my lungs.
I'm a loud, sometimes bitchy & stubborn smartass.
If you haven't noticed, I like to write. I'm going to be honest - it's not all good, but hey we can't all be John Steinbeck or Edgar Allan Poe. I do write other things besides blog entries but I'm not entirely sure those things will be posted here - that's still TBD. I write to vent. I write to still keep my creativity alive in this depressive & monotonous life I lead. I write mainly because I can and want to, god damn it, so back off! and thanks for reading. (Oh and the pen & paper/computer don't talk back)
Monday, September 7, 2009
Hi.
This is my attempt at keeping a blog - I've had a few blog accounts over the past few years (which I actually would update and keep up with fairly frequently) but have since been neglected and well, I think it's time to start fresh - a new page, new chapter.... and honestly, I like to write and need a place to vent. I find more comfort with putting thoughts down to paper, or in this case, blog form.
If you are reading this, then there's a 98% chance that you know me & I know you. If you fall into that 2%, I am excited/intrigued/slightly creeped out that you are reading this, but I digress. It's the internet - I shouldn't be all that surprised if people I don't know stumble upon this - I just hope you find something of what I have to say interesting/funny/insightful.
Enjoy.
This is my attempt at keeping a blog - I've had a few blog accounts over the past few years (which I actually would update and keep up with fairly frequently) but have since been neglected and well, I think it's time to start fresh - a new page, new chapter.... and honestly, I like to write and need a place to vent. I find more comfort with putting thoughts down to paper, or in this case, blog form.
If you are reading this, then there's a 98% chance that you know me & I know you. If you fall into that 2%, I am excited/intrigued/slightly creeped out that you are reading this, but I digress. It's the internet - I shouldn't be all that surprised if people I don't know stumble upon this - I just hope you find something of what I have to say interesting/funny/insightful.
Enjoy.
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