Thursday, July 8, 2010

more wrongs than rights; more downs than ups

In the last decade or so, I've sensed a pattern in my life.
I've noticed that it seems to happen at least twice a year (if I'm lucky) and lasts for an indefinite amount of time.

I could be going along with my life, not particularly stressed or troubled, maybe even excited about something in particular or eager to do something.
Everything seems, and actually is, OK.
I'm ok.

Then, much like celebrity deaths, out of nowhere I get pelted with not 1, not 2 but 3 (or more) problems or situations ALL AT ONCE. Now, I'm not saying I'm the only person in the universe that this happens to (I mean, I know we are ALL affected by celebrity deaths - we miss you BEA!) but I can say that personally for me when shit starts to hit the multiple fucking fans day after day, I start to shut down. It's draining, consuming & makes me want to just shut down.

I basically want to just run - and if you know me, I LOATHE running. I want to throw my hands in the air, say fuck it/this/you and just peace out.

Logically I know that won't solve or fix anything. I think the fact that I get hit with multiple problems at once is what gives me the 'run for the hills' instinct. And I actually don't pick up & go anywhere or do anything. I instead run internally. I get distant. I already internalize everything too much and I become even more absent-minded than I am on a good day.

I can't talk about what's eating at me lately and this is my FUCKING blog. I don't even know where to start.

All I do know is aside from wanting the recent events & problems to cease, I want, no, NEED some sort of mental stability.

I can't wear the "I'm fine/everything's fine" mask much longer.
It's starting to crack.

1 comment:

  1. I hear ya with the snowball effect regarding problems. It seems like it's never one that we can face head on, but a barrage of shit that comes in waves. The only thing I can say is it's more rewarding facing it head on than running and hoping it goes away. That being said, my biggest issues (financial) have seen my back over the last few years. I've tried facing them, but it's like standing in front of a tsunami. The little stuff you should take care of right away and then hopefully the one giant problem might look a little less like a wave and more like a ripple.