Sunday, November 8, 2009

Blackholes & Revelations

Daylight Savings Time ended last weekend. We all got an extra hour to sleep, work, eat, drink or whatever you like to do in your spare time (technically I had the extra time to post this, but well I didn't - sue me) In return for turning our clocks back, we get to feel like we live in Antarctica during its 'the sun is so fucking far away we won't see it again for 6 months' period. Well, I know what that means for me...
:cue depressive entry:
(don't say I didn't I warn you. no one's making you sit there & read least I hope not, then I might have an iota of sympathy for you)

I don't do well with Winter. I know I've written about the weather. I'm not talking about just physically dealing with Winter, with the actual cold, shitty weather conditions (which I do HATE), but I'm referring to mentally. There's less daylight & warmth. The baseball season is already long over & done with and pitchers & catchers can't seem to report soon enough. If you say you like the Winter Olympics better than the Summer Olympics, I would like to punch you in the face and ship you off to Norway or the South Pole. Everything's dead or in the process of dying. It just seems like, especially in the Northeast, Winter forces you to remain inside, closed off from the world. Even animals say "Screw this shit - We're hibernating for a few months". People tend to keep to themselves and isolation seems to start to blossom...

What's that? "What about the Holidays" you say? Well, the Holiday season should be something to look forward to but for me, the Holidays BLOW. Mainly due to reasons with family issues (most of them just being 'family'), I haven't really celebrated a Thanksgiving or Christmas in over a decade. So I fly solo. Believe me, it's an excellent alternative to spend one of the most festive & enjoyable times of the year if your family either a) hates celebrating holidays b) hates the rest of the family or c) hates you.

Also I should mention that I have this small little issue that I've been dealing with for awhile called major depressive disorder. Usually around this time of year (and at times during the Winter) my mood & attitude can really take a beating (and that's an understatement). And you may say to yourself, "That sounds like a real fancy way of saying you're sad sometimes" or "You're crazy?!?! Holy Shit! That explains sooo much!" I really can't tell people what to think or say about a given topic. I'm not going to get all Tom Cruise here, getting into a debate/fight/cagematch over Psychology or even attempt to describe to someone what it feels like to have & deal with an issue like this. I don't go up to people who have Diabetes and say "Hey, Just lay off the sugar & you'll be fine! No big deal." It really just isn't that simple. There are no clear explanations or answers and I think that's what makes people skeptical about thinking Depression is a disease. What you've heard, read, seen about Depression through the media - The commericals for all the medications, TV shows/movies that try to give some light into the issue - most don't do it any justice. It's like having any other illness or issue in life - everyone deals with it in their own way & how they think is best to deal with it. Everyone is different. As Lewis Black would say, "We are all Snowflakes."

I wasn't diagnosed until college but I've been dealing with Depression (and some other issues) in one way or another since high school. Unfortunately for me, no combination of any pill and/or therapist have seemed to keep my Depression under wraps. It's been a roller coaster ride of ups & downs. Something might work for awhile or I may be in a place in my life where things are going well and are stable, but then I hit a bump in the road, that becomes a pothole, that turns into a sinkhole that I just can't seem to get out of. It's like I'm in my own personal Blackhole. No matter how well I think I can be doing at a given time, my Depression never completely escapes me. But it's times like this, with the impending change of weather/seasons, that is the hardest for me to deal with. The last 2 years around this time have been emotionally rough for me. A bad breakup & a move back to Westchester in 2007 & last year new anxiety with a new job, living back on my own & relationships (or really the lack there of). I remember I went to a friend's wedding last year & I distinctly remember saying out loud "I don't want to go. I can't be around people right now, especially celebrating & being happy." It had nothing to do with my friends getting married, I just couldn't deal. (I ended up going to the wedding but kept to myself really & left early.) I've been told by some that maybe I just have a case of "seasonal affective disorder", which is a good point, but I know it's more than that. I know that the Winter doesn't help someone like me, but I also don't think my answer is as simple as something also known as 'the winter blues.'

It's a struggle I deal with every single day. I can be fine when I wake up & take a turn for the worse by a simple conversation or act I encounter. I could wake up feeling so horrible that I don't think it's worth it to get out bed - but I do & end up not having such a bad day after all. It's those days that I try to remember. It's little things people say to me or do. Sometimes it's something I experience that makes me smile or feel better that I try to keep with me. I need to remember those for these upcoming months of darkness & cold...

I guess I could always resort to hibernation.

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