here goes nothing.

I've been fighting this inner battle with myself for the last few months. I know I can be too hard on myself most of the time, but I also can't help but think that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to making decisions or being proactive in doing things for me. I've had a lot on my mind & had a lot of issues thrown at me to deal with or work out. I've found some solice in kind words & advice from friends & my therapist told me something recently that actually stuck with me, "working out a problem or an issue can be awful & cause more pain than not at first, but the breaking through, finding the answer or a resolution with your problem, is worth it in the end." I feel like I need to start doing that more often.

The following isn't really an answer or resolution but more of a way to vent some things that have been weighing on me for some time.


---------------

You know what I hate?

That feeling you get in the pit of your stomach.
The one that makes you smile for no reason at all.
The one that makes you makes you sick to your stomach because you never felt anything else so real.
The one that makes you think you can do anything and everything you ever wanted.
The feeling of finally feeling alive for the first time in your life.

I wish I never had that feeling for you.

The one that eats away at your soul, at ever fiber of your body.
The one you can't escape when you most want to.
The one that makes you want to cry, kick, scream... just cease to exist.

I hate that feeling,
because I can't hate you.

---------------

"things that i should have said and still don't think i can say"

words escaped me when i was with you.
a combination of emotions just made me speechless that whenever i thought i might be able to say something, all logical thoughts would be instantly erased.
you literally took my breath & heart away.
i'm still working on getting the latter back.
very few things make me cry. unfortunately, you figured one of them out.

you meant more to me than you'll ever know.
i thought, at certain moments, that maybe i meant something to you.
i care about you & hope you are happy but i'm somewhat angry at you.
maybe i'm more angry at myself for falling for you.
you still cross my mind more often than i'd like & it still hurts,
but with time,
the wounds on my mind & soul are healing.

i wish i could've said most of this in person but i guess if i had, maybe things would have been different. or maybe not. or maybe things worked out just the way they were supposed to.

i'm sorry.

---------------