Tuesday, April 20, 2010

a blog can be a kind of therapist, right?

Lately I've been mulling over calling it quits with my therapist. She's a nice lady, but after about a year of sessions, I just don't think we are working out. I don't feel terribly comfortable with her which is the first & most important reason. Second, I have to repeat myself ALL THE TIME because she doesn't hear me or get what I'm saying. Last, but not least, I just don't think she can help me.

I've brought up several times that I don't think this is working out and her response every time is "what do you want out of this?" and I tell her: "I want clarity, some sort of understanding, possibly some peace of mind, and I want to feel comfortable with certain things". And she just says responds "Ok" and that's it. No advice. No resolution. Nothing. Now I'm not that naive to think that therapy can fix everything (I learned that about 3 therapists in) and I know half the work lies with me (6 therapists later), but when I vocally express things that I want or would like to try to have several times and every time I get no response, my brain starts to tell me the following:
a)She doesn't understand what you're saying,
b)She doesn't want to say anything,
c)I'm going to take your lack of response as I am unrepairable since there seems to be no professional advice or opinion out there that can help me.

I attempted just this last session to tell her bluntly "I don't want to keep doing this anymore - this isn't working" and she just responded "well, why don't we talk about it over the next few sessions?" WHAT IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT? YOU DON"T TELL ME ANYTHING THAT'S HELPFUL. I'VE TOLD YOU THIS ISN'T WORKING FOR ME. ugh.

So now on top of the stress & anxiety I have for everything else, I now have stress & anxiety over the one thing that's supposed to help me alleviate that.

I just want someone to talk to, someone who will listen but also help me shed some light on myself and why I do or don't do things.

Maybe no one can do that.

I guess I can always just write about it.

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